Diffusing verbal criticism
'You forgot our anniversary. You really don't care about me, do you?'
Angry statements and accusations usually indicate the beginning of an argument. Arguments are inevitable. No one can agree with others all the time. But conflicts can actually be healthy. People who are capable of expressing their differences without becoming hostile are less likely to suffer from emotional and physical stress and have a much better chance of resolving problems to the satisfaction of both parties. Moreover, criticism helps us recognise our flaws and correct them, making us better people.
Being accused of forgetfulness or ignorance, however, doesn't seem to be the right way to begin a 'productive' conflict. After all, when you are criticised harshly, it is easy to become defensive. You feel obligated to prove your criticiser wrong, and from there the conflict only escalates. But, by using a few simple communication techniques, you actually do have the power to turn the criticism into a positive discussion. Before applying these techniques, however, it is important to first understand why it is so easy to become defensive when criticized.
Images
How you handle criticism is related to the way in which you perceive yourself (your self-image) and the way in which you would like others to perceive you (your public image).
Your self-image consists of the beliefs and values you have about life and living in general - what is good, bad, right or wrong. Formed in your childhood, this self-image is bestowed on you by your parents, family, friends and teachers. If you received positive treatment from these people, you probably developed a healthy self-esteem and self-worth and a positive self-image.
You are likely to try to present a favourable public image. You want others to think of you in a particular way - honest, knowledgeable, patient, funny, and helpful - and so you try to make your actions reflect these characteristics.
When people criticise you, they are making judgements that most likely conflict with either your self-image or public image. Being called a cheat, for example, may cause you to become defensive because you were raised to be honest and, thus, you consider yourself to be honest. On the other hand, you will probably become even more defensive if there is some truth to the attacker's accusation and you do have a flaw. You respond to the attack by disputing the other person's comments and trying to reinstate your favourable public and self-images.
Responding to criticism
Verbal criticism can be responded to in one of four ways:
Withdrawing: Sometimes you may opt to accept the criticism silently, without a verbal response. You may even get up and leave the room. The rewards of such responses, however, are limited. Although the conflict does not escalate, you end up losing self-respect as well as self-esteem because you did not stand your ground and defend yourself.
Rationalising: The strategy behind this method is initially to admit the merit of the criticism, then quickly follow up with an explanation of why you behaved that way or said the words that brought about the criticism ie 'Darling, I've been so busy at work that I'm afraid our anniversary simply slipped my mind.' Unfortunately, by the time you have spun out your rationalisation to its conclusion, the other person has usually had more than enough time to find holes in your response.
Counterattacking: Trying to divert negative attention from yourself and your faults to the criticiser and his or her faults if another common technique. ie 'I've been in this business for 15 years. I have heard many complaints about your service but not mine.' Counterattacking only escalates the conflict and avoids the real issues.
Responding non-defensively: In this method, you listen non-judgmentally and calmly to the attacker, recognising the person's need to communicate regarding a problem. The problem is determined and then you begin working with the speaker to resolve it. This option is obviously the most productive and rewarding, but it also requires the most effort on your part.
The following may be used in responding non-defensively:
Listen
: Usually we tend to take criticism at face value. In any conflict, however, a lot of feeling may be buried beneath the spoken words. It is important to listen with an open mind to those words and ask questions to find out the feelings they may be hiding. Once these feelings have been addressed, it will be easier to determine the issues and resolve the conflict. Remember the example of the forgetful spouse? In such an exchange, it is easy to assume that the matter of the forgotten anniversary is the primary issue. But, if a discussion is pursued, the real issues come to light. The forgotten date, as it turns out, is no match for concern over those long work hours that the other person has spent away from household responsibilities.
Acknowledge
: Indicate to your criticiser that you recognise the criticism. Acknowledging criticism does not mean you accept or agree with its content; rather than you are simply recognising that the other party has opinions and feelings that deserve consideration. This helps your criticiser feel that she is being listened to, and aids in reducing anger. So instead of acting on the defensive, the errant spouse might acknowledge that by saying 'I sense that you are hurt because I forgot our anniversary'. Be careful about your tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures, when acknowledging criticism. Any hint of sarcasm or disbelief puts you back on the defensive and makes the criticiser angrier. But, if the criticiser feels you are sincere and concerned about resolving the conflict - and not just with pacification - your words will signal that it is acceptable to discuss these
feelings.
Ask questions: Suppose your spouse responds: 'Yes, I am hurt that you forgot our anniversary. You always forget things.' It becomes apparent that the forgotten anniversary is not the only reason she is upset, but you don't know what the other reason could be. You need more information. Ask questions such as 'I must have forgotten other things lately; what things?' Sincerity is vital.
Paraphrase: Use your own words to reflect what the other person is feeling or thinking. This gives the criticiser the opportunity to clarify his or her own thoughts and feelings and to correct you if you are wrong, and it enables you to learn more about the problem, For example, you could reiterate your spouse's list of things you have recently forgotten. I.e. 'I forgot Mark's birthday, neglected to pay the electricity bill last month and to take Andrea to the dentist'. Paraphrasing shows the other person you are really listening.
Agree with the truth: If the criticism has merit, why not say so? To deny the facts would only increase your criticiser's anger. 'Yes, I see that I have been somewhat forgetful lately'. But you do not have to agree with the criticiser's interpretation of the facts. For example, if your spouse states that because you are forgetful, you no longer care about the family, it is not incumbent on you to accept this interpretation or judgement.
By the time that you have reached this final step, the real issue or problem is being addressed and you are able to discuss possible solutions to the problem with the other party.
Keep these tips in mind during the conflict:
Remain calm: A non-defensive response means you must keep calm and serene as you are being criticised.
Don't take it personally: Your criticiser may call you names or accuse you of outrageous actions; remember, this may simply be evidence of irrational or over-emotional thinking.
Use non-verbal listening skills: Smile, lean toward the speaker, nod, murmur acknowledgements and maintain eye contact. All of these show the speaker you are listening.
Show respect for your opponent: Even if the person is screaming or shouting at you, acknowledge the anger and frustration by calmly saying: 'It's clear this is really upsetting you, so let's try to talk about it and solve it.'
Source: Diffusing verbal criticism, p15-18, Interpersonal Communication, Advanced Communication Series, Toastmasters International
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Network for success
Want to boost your business's bottom line? Then try networking. Building personal connections is key to maintaining a constant flow of business, yet many people shy away from corporate events. Here, networking coach Daphne Thissen shares her top tips of successful networking:
- First impressions count, so think ahead, prepare and enjoy yourself.
- Be authentic and embrace who you are. Don't try to be something that you're not.
- Smile - it's fantastic to relax and make yourself seem more positive to others.
- Make sure you keep eye contact when you are talking.
- Listen more and speak less. Reflect what you hear, it makes others feel appreciated.
- Always be generous and invite other people to join in. After all, the more you give, the more you get.
- Make a point of carrying business cards. They're a must-have and a great way to keep in touch.
- Follow up on leads with new contacts by finding useful reasons to reconnect with them. Conversation goes a long way.
- Don't force it - you won't get along with everyone.
- Be patient. You won't get anything back immediately. Remember, the long game counts.
With Valentines Day just around the corner, you may wonder whether these networking tips could also apply to dating? Being authentic and generous are key when networking so, because of this, all sorts of connections may happen. The benefit of networking is that you are intially meeting people for reasons other than possibly sharing your lives together, so you will interact in a relaxed and genuine manner. Whilst not suggesting that you should use networking events purely to find a new partner, it is nevertheless a good ploy to give faith a chance, make connections for all the right reasons and stay open minded. Good luck!
Daphne has written a pocket guide, 'Notes to self' which is available through her website. Click here to buy a copy. Priced at £6.99, it is vital information to help businesses win friends, influence people and ultimately secure new business and friends.
Source: The Mirror, p10, 19th Jan 2011
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Three ways to... cope with colleagues who get on your nerves
One: Find common ground. Building relationships at work isn't just about connecting with people you like - you have to be able to get on with everyone. Try to find something in common to bond over.
Two: Don't give up. Even if your colleague doesn't seem interested in getting into a conversation with you, being nice and showing an interest registers with people. Be the bigger person.
Three: Turn enemies into frenemies. If you have a problem with a colleague, take them to a pub or for lunch - attitudes might shift when you see each other as something other than an adversary.
Source: The Mirror, 20th Nov 2010
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Poet’s Corner: The Winter Garden
Those of you that have attended our public speaking training sessions know the importance of working with words to craft compelling speeches. So, each month, we feature a topical poem or passage that illustrates this point, using lyrical English.
In winter's cold and sparkling snow,
The garden in my mind does grow.
I look outside to blinding white,
And see my tulips blooming bright.
And over there a sweet carnation,
Softly scents my imagination.
On this cold and freezing day,
The Russian sage does gently sway,
And miniature roses perfume the air,
I can see them blooming there.
Though days are short, my vision's clear.
And through the snow, the buds appear.
In my mind, clematis climbs,
And morning glories do entwine.
Woodland phlox and scarlet pinks,
Replace the frost, if I just blink.
My inner eye sees past the snow.
And in my mind, my garden grows.
The Winter Garden, Cheryl Magic-Lady
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Quotations
We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools, Martin Luther King Jr (1929-1968), US black civil rights leader & clergyman
Work and love, Sigmund Freud (1856-1939), Austrian neurologist and founder of the psychoanalytic school of psychology
I don't generally feel anything until noon; then it's time for my nap, Bob Hope (1903-2003), US (English-born) actor & comedian
The heart has its reasons, which reason knows not of, Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), French mathematician, physicist
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